Do me a favour: sign your life away for me.

 I’d like to invite you over for dinner tonight – on one condition. You have to sign a waiver. It’s not that I think you’ll cause any damage. But better to be safe than sorry. After all, everyone’s doing it.   The first cases have come to light in America (well gee surprise surprise) where mothers are being asked to sign a waiver before their children are allowed into friends’ homes for play dates. In one instance, it was four pages long. Seems the woman was concerned about other kids being hurt on her backyard trampoline. What is the world coming to? It makes you wonder what’s next!

Defamation: I heard your son call my daughter “fatty boombalada”. Then he made piggy sounds. My neighbour overheard it. That’s defamation. You’ll be hearing from my attorney.

Food poisoning: That mayonnaise you served with the lobster smelled off. Now my tummy’s grumbling. It was a lovely dinner, but if I get food poisoning you’ll be the one coughing up.

Allergies: The muesli bar you gave my son contained traces of nuts. Hellllooo! She’s anaphylactic. It could have killed her. Then she stepped on a bee and her throat swelled up. Don’t you spray? I’ll see you in court.

Phobias: I had no idea you lived in a jungle. Little Lachlan saw a spider in your backyard. A spider! Sure, it was only one of those leaf-curling ones. But didn’t you know he suffers from arachnophobia? He’s been wetting his bed all week. I’ll be sending you the bills for his ongoing counselling. And the new sheets.

Keeping up with the Joneses: You have an elevator in your house? A swimming pool? And a cinema room? Suddenly my kids have class envy. We’ll have to go into hock to upgrade to a better house. I hold you responsible.

Sporting injuries: I can’t believe you allowed the children to play soccer. Now their hamstrings are tight. I’ll tell my physiotherapist to send the bills directly to your address.

Cancer: Thank you for your hospitality last night. My husband thoroughly enjoyed the barbecue. However, an edge of my steak was burned. I have since discovered this may lead to cancer. I have enclosed a document which I implore you to sign, acknowledging full responsibility. Thanking you in anticipation.

 It was so much easier when we all lived in caves. So, before you read my next blog entry, I’d like you to sign a waiver. That way, if it causes any psychological damage, you only have yourself to blame.