The greatest prank call ever....

 When the telemarketers call do you just hang up, get angry, or have a little fun with them? Well here is an idea. This prank phone call proves that Karma exists, and you can fight back when it comes to unsolicited calls...

From my Inbox (The over 30 crowd will especially love this one).

 I love my Inbox. Like a good friendship it has the ability to make me laugh out loud, cry and sigh. Every day I log on excited to see what my friend has for me today, something to take me away from the ho-hum of my average week. So rather than keeping this one all to myself, I’ve decided to share...

TO THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD:

 When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious moaning and groaning about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....uphill…barefoot…BOTH ways!

 And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it.

 But now that…I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy, I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

 And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it.

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

 There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there.

Stamps were 30 cents!

 Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass, nowhere was safe!

 There were no MP3’ s or Limewire or Napster. If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and stuff it all up. There were no CD players. We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favourite tape and “eject” it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that’s how we rolled, dig?

 We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it! And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either.
 When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister.

 We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3D graphics. We had the Atari 2600, with games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your guy was a little square. You actually had to use your imagination. And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen…forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died, just like LIFE!

 You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on. You were screwed when it came to channel surfing. You had to get off your bum and walk over to the TV to change the channel. NO REMOTES!!!

 There was no Cartoon Network either. You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

 And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove, imagine that!

 That’s exactly what I’m talking about; you kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

PS: This one had me laughing from start to finish and nodding my head in agreement and reminding me what it was like before we had all this stuff, and going "Oh yeah, those were the days! It's all so true." Brought back so many memories too hehe...

Australians would be rubbish on Pandora.

 So I finally caved and saw Avatar on DVD. A large enough number of trusted cynical friends gushed about the film to force me off my high horse and into the local Blockbuster store. As I gazed at the magical Pandoran landscape, a thought occurred.

Pandora is Australia.

 Bizarre plants in lush rainforests. Harsh terrain full of killer animals. Dirt rich with ore. An indigenous culture that is at one with nature. An introduced culture involved in wars they probably shouldn't be. Flies and bushfires all over the place. Pretty much everyone looks like they're wearing zinc. Then I realised that present-day Australians not only couldn't exist on Pandora, we wouldn't want to, and we'd probably stuff the place up in the process. So here, because I know the world is waiting for them, is the Top Eight Reasons Australians Would Be Rubbish On Pandora.

1. There are too many apostrophes:
 Australians aren't known for punctuation and grammar. City signs are full of apostrophe violations. So the phrase "Dave, I'd like you to meet Mo'at of the Na'vi clan" would just confuse and disorientate.

2. Everybody's pretty much nude:

 Seriously. Nobody would get any work done.

3. We're not very good at saying sorry:

 The Na'vi apologise to their prey while they're killing it. Bugger that - apologising to animals cuts into important barbecuing time.

4. The Na'vi get up really, really early:

 There is no snooze button in the Pandoran forest.

5. We would just use our banshees to go down to the shops:
 Give an Australian an animal that will fly them anywhere they want, and you won't see a nation filled with fit, lean, 3m-tall athletes pouncing from tree to tree. No, you'd see a nation of fat, lazy blue people whistling for their winged taxi every time they wanted a carton of milk or a packet of smokes. Give us a neural connection to our animals, so they know exactly where we want to travel, and I'll give you a big bunch of dinosaur-esque flying things all heading to the kebab shop at pub-closing time. Mind you, just like in Avatar, if a guy shows up with a bigger, redder, shinier flying creature than ours, we'll basically follow him into an exploding tree if he asks us to. Australians can, after all, appreciate the influential power of a sweeter ride.

6. The Na'vi take about ten minutes to accept illegal immigrants:

 If you're one of the Sky People trying to crack your way into the Na'vi tribe, all you need is a willingness to learn and the ability to attract floating seeds from a spooky tree. If you're one of the Boat People trying to crack your way into the Torres Strait, you'll need a pre-existing, comprehensive understanding of the language and culture, a high tolerance for detention centres and a good book.

7. Archery is the national sport:

 Archery. Nobody ever did the Mexican wave or built a beer-cup snake at the archery. Nobody ever had a scarf and beanie knitted featuring their favourite archer's name. And nobody ever streaked at the archery.

8. The landscape is unsuitable for caravans:

 On Pandora, what are old people supposed to do when they retire?

Endangered species - read on!

I miss rooting.

 Not the act but the word; that great Australian term for sexual congress that gets looks of horror when explained to overseas visitors. Rooting. Such an earthy descriptive word but it's being taken over nowadays by foreign synonyms such as shagging, screwing, banging, bonking and, god help us, getting laid. Arse is another term sliding out of usage, at least in the print media, where time and again it is judged far more prudent to use the US expression "butt" to describe someone's behind.

Pig's bum to that, I say...
 And yes, while we've still got a vast ocean of Aussie terms in common usage - words such as blue, flog, lob, pash, spew, sanga, piker, sheila, bodgy, bludger, cark and chocka - there are a great many that are dropping off faster than a speeding P-plater. Country folk reading this might well chuckle when I make that claim because many terms now considered ironic or old-fashioned by your average urban emo/DJ/stylist, live on in rural or coastal Australia, which I reckon is flippin' untold.

 And I fear that, one day soon, we'll have saved the northern hairy-nosed wombat thanks to the noble efforts of environmentalists and grudging intervention of politicians, but some of the following words will be deader than the Tassie tiger.

Some endangered species include:

Bonzer and ripper: A proclamation of extreme satisfaction. Being called a bonzer bloke or sheila 30 years ago was high praise, now there's a generation of Australians who think it's a hair gel. Or the new iPod.

Brasco: An admittedly unclear term for toilet.

Durry and dart: Synonyms for cigarette, the speaking of which in fashionable (rich) suburbs sees you eyeballed like an escapee from prison.

Burl: To attempt something. e.g. "I handed him a nicotine patch and said 'Give this a burl instead, ya nong.'"

Stiffy: A sadly fading term for the male erection rendered somehow naive by yet another Americanism, the "hard-on".

Ooroo: Thousands of grandmas working in tuck shops (school canteen) don't know any other way to say goodbye, god love 'em.

Donger: Another word for penis. No wonder women think men are obsessed.

Clacker and freckle: Your bottom or anus. Moving right along.

Nuddy and starkers: Nakedness. Often while swimming, drinking or reciting bush poetry.

Rack off: Piss off, you heard me.

Squiz and gander: To take a look at something or someone.

Togs: Cossies. Not those clingy, lycra man-pants that make men look like a holidaying Italian waiter.
Bum crawler: Another native overrun by the introduced foreign term "brown-nose". Being called a bum crawler used to be the greatest insult for someone who sucks up to you, now it's a search term on porn websites.

Veg out: Replaced by chillin', which is hardly as thrilling.

Brass razoo: An imaginary coin of trivial value, as in "I'm so broke I don't have a brass razoo."

Yakka: Hard work. See the shorts.

Clobber: While daks and strides still linger as names for pants, the all-purpose term for clothing gets less use than Anthony Whatmough’s dictionary.

Chunder: Writing in The Times Literary Supplement, Barry Humphries explained the word's meaning as being "the act of involuntary regurgitation". To spew.

Foo foo valve: As in "that looks heavy, watch out you might burst a foo foo valve".

Cobber: Your mate, who you'd help if they were chundering or bursting a foo foo valve.

Wowser: C.J. Dennis, author of The Songs of a Sentimental Bloke defined it as "an ineffably pious person who mistakes this world for a penitentiary and himself for a warder".

Galah and drongo: Rarely invoked by persons under 30, both are all-purpose insults conveying reasonable contempt.

Nong: See above.

Flip-flops: A description for thongs, which means G-strings in other countries and certainly confuses Americans when Aussie men and women talk about "wearing thongs to the beach".

Wigwam for a goose's bridle: A fantastical and useless item, the invoking of which snubs off an unwanted question, similar to saying "none of your business", i.e. "What's that in your pocket, mate?" "A wigwam for a goose's bridle, you drongo."

If any of you know of any other Aussie slang terms that you’re not sure about, let me know and I’ll add them on for you.

The waiting game.

 There are many milestones in a new relationship: the first date, the first kiss, the first sleep over - and then there are the true turning points, the great compatibility litmus tests, such as the first fart.

While many people talk dreamily of those initial narcotic months of love, wishing they could go on forever, for others it is a time of gaseous discipline, an uneasy truce as we silence our inner guns of Navarone.

 Holding fire down below, though, is just one small component of the waiting game we all play in a new relationship. As we negotiate our ship through the shoals of early love, most of us are on our best behaviour: we're agreeable, laugh (or at least chuckle) at our opposite number's silliest jokes and don't belch or litter. However, once we've found safe harbour and drop anchor, our personal habits surface like toothless, scurvy-ridden convicts emerging from the darkness of a First Fleet prison transport...
 So while many emphasise the significance of the first trip away together or the first "I love you", I believe there are other slightly more, umm, domestic crossroads that are just as important.

First fart:

 As we all know, men fart a lot and most are encouraged from an early age to give free expression to this part of themselves by sitting on friend's heads, as well as lighting said gasses to produce the legendary "flaming blue angel". Farting for men is both a sign of contempt and solidarity, a way to show affection and to do battle and they can produce the goods 24 hours a day, particularly when camping or in cars.

 I tell you this to give context to the restraint required by a man to shut down this noxious circus, which could be likened to holding back the ocean with a broom. Ripping one off is thus a defining moment in any courtship and allows both parties to quickly gauge their "fart compatibility". If either cries, screams or gags, it might be time for a breath of fresh air.

First wee with the door open:

 To share this universal shame with another is a big deal for some. Thus, when a woman is happy to sit and chat during a tinkle, or a man is relaxed enough to aim and talk over his shoulder, you know a threshold of comfort has been reached.

First wee in the shower:

 Remember those early days when you did everything together? You'd jump in the shower kissing and, after the first few times under the jets, one of you would "test the waters", the other quickly smelling if you'd been drinking coffee or eating asparagus. This is the next stage of intimacy, which some people try to accelerate by peeing on the other's legs. At least it washes off.

First poo:

 I have a male friend who claims he's never done a number two at the home of a woman he's in a relationship with. Considering he's now in his early 40s, still single, and has dated consistently his entire adult life, his self-control gives new meaning to the phrase "intestinal stamina". " My friend may also be trying to avoid burdening his girlfriends with the grotesque realisation that confronted Gulliver's Travels author Jonathan Swift.

He wrote in one of his poems:

No wonder how I lost my wits;
Oh! Caelia, Caelia, Caelia shits!

First poo with the door open:

 I think even Sigmund Freud, when jabbering like a chimp on his favourite tonic of cocaine, would agree that sometimes you have to draw a line and this is one of them. A number two with the door open indicates a lot of things about a relationship - earthiness, comfort and tolerance.  It also says - the romance is dead.

 We may be kings and queens in our heads, but this is one throne no one else needs to see us sitting on.

Greatest Aussie Inventions.

God may have created the world, but it took Aussie ingenuity to make it worth living in.

Australian Rules Football
Just take eight sticks, an oval, a ball, and 36 blokes to belt each other. We reckon the rest of the world doesn’t play it is because they know that we’d win. Or it’s the shorts.

Mad Monday
This semi-sanctioned stupidity provides a year’s worth of copy for jealous sports writers who couldn’t make it in the big league. Players excel on an annual basis.

Plastic Banknotes
Thanks to the CSIRO and the Reserve Bank of Australia, you aren’t left with a wad of mushy paper when you throw your jeans in the wash without checking the pockets.

The stubby cooler
More than just a way to keep your beer cold, souvenir stubby holders mark those great times – mainly at pubs.

VB
Introduced in the 1890s, VB has stuck around longer than an unwelcome relative in the spare room. Though the way it’s dropped in strength from 4.9 per cent to 4.6, it could be completely non-alcoholic by 2056.

Ugh boots
Long before Pamela Anderson turned them into a fashion statement – the vego didn’t realise that they were made from sheepskin – we knew the daggy boots were the shit in central heating for feet.

Crocodile Dundee
Whenever an Aussie pulls a root in the US, he owes some of his success to the reputation Paul Hogan established for us.

Chris Lilley's Characters
Ja'mie King, Mr G and Jonah Takalua were all great individually, but throwing them together in Summer Heights High made one of the best Aussie sitcoms ever and a massive hit. More dick-tation, please, Chris.

Electric Pacemaker
In 1928, Mark Lidwell and Edgar Booth devised the first artificial pacemaker, which was used to revive a stillborn baby at Sydney’s Crown Street Women’s Hospital.

Puppetry of the Penis
Dick tricks have been around since God told Abraham to lose the foreskin. But Simon Morley and David Friend took them from the changing room to Off Broadway.

The Ute
In the early 1930s, a Geelong farmer’s wife wrote to Ford asking for a vehicle for church on Sunday and market on Monday. By 1934, hoons were doing donuts in them.

The Hills Hoist
It’s handy for drying clothes and great for pegging a cask of wine to for a game of Goon of Fortune.

Tim Tams
The YouTube footage of Natalie Imbruglia performing the Tim Tam slam is the closest you’ll get to a sex video without nudity.

Streaking
Aussie bloke Michael O’Brien did what is widely considered the first nudie run, at Twickenham in 1974 during an England vs France rugby match. Drunk clowns have followed in his bare footsteps ever since.

The Black Box Flight Recorder
The indestructible box, which is usually orange, has provided air-crash investigators with valuable fodder for TV recreations.

If none of them are familiar to you, look 'em up! :-P

 
 

Do you ride a 'roo? Quirky questions from would-be tourists...

 We come from a land Down Under, and as such, we know the Outback as our own backyard. But what do people from other countries think of us antipodeans?

You've probably been cornered by a Yank overseas and been asked about your pet kangaroo, or taken a Pommie to task when, upon hearing you hail from Sydney, he's asked if you know his cousin Frank from Broken Hill. An Australian tourism site once posted some of the most beguiling questions received by potential travellers to our fair shores, as well as potential answers. It's been an email favourite for years, but we thought it was worth another look. Any of these sound familiar?

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I've never seen it rain on TV. How do your plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all of our plants fully grown and then sit around watching them die.

Q: My wife and I enjoy walking tours. How long will it take us to get from Perth to Sydney on foot? (Canada)

A: How long did it take you to do your last 4,000 kilometre walk? Bring a bottle of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? If so, can you send me a list of all of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: What is the weather like in Vienna in May? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney, and is milk available year-round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful nation of vegan hunters and gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Are the rattlesnakes in Melbourne deadly? Do you sell anti-venom at the grocery store? (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca, which is where you come from. Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make great pets.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? If so, when? (France)

A: Occasionally, and if so then during our Christmas annual leave.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go in Australia? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

So keep a smile on your face and a map in your rucksack the next time you exercise your passport.