Beer or whine?

 It seems the 24-can question is, does Australia have a drinking problem? When it comes to this particular alco pop-quiz, I think there are three possible answers:

A) Yes, and it’s time to put politics to one side and have a sensible debate on how to ensure Australia drinks safely and responsibly.

B) No, the only problem we have is the possibility of the booze running out. (Please pass the lemon and salt.)

C) What’re you lookin at? Yeah you. Why don’t ya take a picture? It’ll last longer…Excuse me I think I need to be sick. Sorry about your shoes man…I love you, I really love you.

  Now I enjoy a drink as much as the next person – but if we’re going to have a productive debate about our drinking culture, we first have to acknowledge that it’s fairly well ingrained. After all, we live in a country where our two most famous sporting statistics are 99.94 and 52 – the former being Sir Donald Bradman’s batting average; the latter the amount of cans David Boon is rumoured to have consumed on the flight to London for the 1989 Ashes tour.
 Before an honest review can take place, we have to accept the fact that most Aussies aren’t wowsers. A lot of us enjoy a drink. I know it’s not politically correct to say so but, when done responsibly, drinking can be fun. The dirty secret of the drinking debate is that many people drink to excess because it’s fun. Yes, it can also be dangerous and destructive, but if we’re going to move forward on this issue, we have to recognise this simple but important point. Some of our fellow countrymen see the recommended alcohol limit on the side of a bottle not as a warning, but a challenge. These are people who, when they read the label’s advice to ‘Enjoy in moderation’ they think ‘moderation’ must be some groovy new nightclub in the city.
 Seriously, more Aussies know the words to the VB ads than the national anthem. We’re now a country girt not by sea, but by drunken footballers’ wee….We’ll never be able to fully combat the problem of binge drinking until we admit that a lot of ordinary Aussies, on occasion, drink to get drunk. Whatever the government might say to try to convince us, our problems aren’t going to be solved by raising taxes – not unless we deal with the fact that we live in a culture where, if a news report suggests it’s healthy to drink two glasses of wine a day, we think, well, imagine how good I’ll feel if I drink two bottles? 
 That’s not to say we shouldn’t do more to crack down on clowns who can’t drink properly, but I don’t think the latest suggestion to put cigarette-style warnings on the side of booze bottles will help. Who wants to see a nice bottle of wine plastered with a photo of a plastered Mel Gibson? We know cigarettes harm unborn babies, but will it have the same effect to tell people that drinking beer will give them a gut that makes them look as if they’re having a baby?
  And how would people feel if they ordered a bottle of Grange Hermitage in a fancy restaurant, only to have the waiter ask, “Would Sir prefer the rotting liver or the rugby league player vomiting in the gutter?” What would these warnings say? “Warning: may make hot chicken rolls from 7-Eleven appear delicious.”
  “Warning: may make you think it’s a great idea to put an orange traffic cone on your head and pretend you’re a witch on the way to a rave.”
  “Warning: may result in you spending the night in New York’s Scores nightclub, then being elected Prime Minister of Australia.”
  “Warning: may lead to smoking, and we all know how bad that is for you – I mean haven’t you read the warnings on the packets?”
  However, I do agree with the suggestion alcohol ads could be more realistic. I’m sure we’d all enjoy a VB ad that goes: “You can get it being kicked out of the cricket while wearing a watermelon on your head; you can get it while not getting it up in bed; you can get it naked in a field in the middle of the night tipping over a cow; matter of fact, I’ve got it now.”