Dear EVERYTHING:

Dear long and complicated movie titles,

I realise you’re deliberately long, but please know we’ll never remember your name, and that your hashtag on Twitter will selfishly use up the entire tweet – both terrible marketing outcomes. Take the just released Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence in the House of God, or rolls-off-the-tongue Charlie Sheen flick, A Glimpse Inside The Mind of Charles Swan III, which critics really enjoyed (if by “enjoyed” you mean “publicly thrashed”). Or even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze – though, to be fair, that couldn’t be shortened, such is the importance of ooze secrecy. It must stop. Our ADD society demands snappy titles such as Taken, Oblivion, Parker, Goddess, Taken 2…Actually Taken 2 should probably be shorter.

Sincerely,

Merc.

Dear people who tell others that green smoothies taste delicious,

LIARS!

Sincerely,
Merc.

Dear the word “Literally”,

I am so sorry darling. When you started to become popular a few years ago, we thought all your spelling bees had come at once, didn’t we? Vocab flavour of the decade, star of the modern sentence. But how wrong we were! It’s not even that you’re overused so violently – Hannah Horvath and her girl crew can’t order a soy latte without dragging you on-board, and don’t get me started on the Kardashians. It’s the fact that you’re being used so incorrectly that’s annoying. It literally makes my blood boil. Which is a pity, because I’m now in serious danger of death, and must be immediately transporterd to the nearest hospital. Gotta fly (not literally),

Merc.

The fat woman.

Hey, yo Fatman, you got some business in the front room, dude wants to buy a ride.

Is that right? Tell him I said I'm eating a sandwich.

Man, what's it's gonna be? Me or the ham and Swiss?

You gonna miss your sale fat man, you gonna miss your sale you fat whale.

 Those are the lyrics of one of my favourite songs of the 90s, the relentlessly offensive “FATMAN” by Philadelphia hip hop act G. Love and Special Sauce. Those words came back to me last month as I watched a hugely overweight woman buying a drink at one of my local bars. She was squeezed into a bordering-on pornographic spandex dress that did absolutely everything to reveal her enormous bottom and vast, white dimpled thighs.

G. Love sang it like this:

I bet your face it has pocks like chicken croquettes.

Your jowls are like rotten red tomatoes.

I nodded towards the woman, asking my friend who I was drinking with, "Whattaya reckon's going on there?" And so began one of the finer dressing-downs I've experienced. Said my friend, "What she's saying is 'I'm a sexual being, I'm a soul sister and if you don't get it, f--- off, you're too superficial, you miss out'." I put my drink down, blushing a little as she continued. "She is amazing. She chose that dress on purpose. I could never wear that dress because I'm not that confident. She's accepting of her entire body. That is so rare," said my friend.

I glanced around the bar, occupied with beautiful people who looked like they'd never eaten cheese and reasoned if you combined the hours we'd worried about how our bodies "looked", you could stretch them back to the Big Bang. I've often argued you can't help who you're attracted to - that women are just as big a dupes of the constant cultural acceptance that you must be slender...must be toned...must be hot...or you're somehow worth less than people who are. And if that cultural pressure is enough to drive women into starving themselves or spending their lunch break in spin classes, then surely we can recognise it's also more than enough to shape what men do and do not find attractive?

The more I thought about it, however, her choice to let it all hang out struck me as the worship of what is, not what could or should or will be when I lose ten kilos or acquire A, B, C or marry he or she. When I said this to my friend, she patted me on the hand and said "That's why I love you. You're slow, but you get there eventually." Then we ordered a cheese plate.

Giggling, jiggling, and enjoying life.

  Have you ever noticed that joggers never look happy? There they are every morning, pounding the pavement, with grim looks of determination on their faces. I always feel like asking them whether they’d like a nice cup of tea and a lie down, but I’m scared I’d be steamrolled.
  As comedian Rita Rudner once said: “If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay at home and do sit-ups.” Sure, there are plenty of benefits: a Danish study found people who jog an hour a week live on average, six years longer. But of course, this is six long years of knee pain, arch inflammation and shin splints. But it’s all worth it right?
  Maybe it’s jealousy. Watching their toned thighs, ripped stomachs and bulging biceps reminds me of the extra serving of chocolate ganache I had the previous night. I tried to jog once, but my jiggly bits got in the way. You have no idea how much wind resistance is caused by bingo flaps.
  I guess every attempt at downsizing has its downside. At the gym, you have to put up with grunting and groaning that puts Maria Sharapova to shame. The stench of sweat after a Bikram yoga class is enough to make you throw up your last meal, getting rid of at least two nasty kilos. And it’s no wonder most of our swimmers could bore for Australia after years of “black line, black line, follow the black line”.
  The fitness trends for 2013 are equally egregious. SH’BAM apparently helps you “strut your stuff” with a “simple yet sexy dance workout” and “sassy stretches”. While I enjoy the sounds of heavy breathing, sharing the experience with other middle-aged women is not really my cup of tea. Then there are “body-weight workouts”. This is where you use your own mass as resistance to do push-ups, planks, and pull-ups. God knows I fight my body enough trying to keep my hands away from the chocolate. I don’t want this to escalate into all-out warfare.
  Another trend is heavy lifting for women. I know, we already “hold up half the sky”, according to an ancient proverb. But I’m talking about barbells here. Big ones. Frankly, I’m manly enough with those mysterious hairs poking out of my chin.
  I think the secret to happiness is jiggling. “Laughter is the inner jogging” as American author Norman Cousins once said. Mushy marathoners might need to be reminded of this as they drag their sore and sorry selves over life’s finish line.

Some simple rules on how to behave when using public transport.

  Regular public transport users will know that far from evolving as a society we are in fact regressing to levels not seen since mammals grew legs. It appears that having invented penicillin and flown to the moon, humans have decided we can’t be expected to do all that and remember how to catch a train.
  How else does one explain the lumpen sacks of flesh who plonk themselves in front of the carriage doors and then look confused and affronted when people struggle to get past them? Or the more assertive traveller who prefers to plough into the passengers trying to exit like a front rower from the Canterbury Bulldogs?
  It appears that despite the various posters displayed around Central Station that look like they were designed by special needs kids, people still don’t know how to behave on public transport. So it’s time to go back to the drawing board. Here, at last, is the definitive public transport user’s guide to life:

Rule 1: Do not eat:

A friend of mine suggested that while travelling on public transport no one should be allowed to eat anything more complex than an apple, however after further consideration she concluded that even eating an apple was "gross". Instead people should wear stickers that say "I don’t do crosswords on your dinner plate so please don’t eat on my train".

Rule 2: Stand to the left:
An escalator is a means of increasing transport speed, not a facility for spotty teenagers to fondle their girlfriends. I know that when the average relationship length is two weeks every moment is precious, but this is not a place for clumsy groping and learning how to tongue-kiss. That’s what the food court at Westfield is for.

Rule 3: Move to the back:

Incredibly, this golden rule applies not just to buses but other forms of transport that are shaped like buses. This includes trams, train carriages and Volvos. It never fails to amaze me how many people step onto a carriage and then suddenly stop as though transfixed by the wonder of it all. No, you haven’t gone through a wormhole to a bizarre intergalactic dimension, you’ve just gotten on a train _ although granted in the case of the 12.05am to Liverpool it’s a little bit of both.

Rule 4: Don’t show off:

There has been a worrying tendency recently for ice junkies to show a certain unbecoming braggadocio when interfacing with transport. This is manifest mostly when they make a big show of crossing busy roads against the lights or defiantly leap over ticket barriers. Memo: While successive state governments have made it increasingly difficult to catch public transport, there is no need to strut around like Mick Jagger just because you successfully exited a train.

Rule 5: Do not look at anyone:

No good can ever come of looking at people on a train. If you are looking at someone because they are creepy it means you could end up in a dangerous or embarrassing situation. If you are looking at someone because they are attractive it means you are the creepy one.

Rule 6: Learn to walk properly:

When walking up the stairs to a platform where a train is departing in 30 seconds the correct protocol is to walk six abreast with your dumb fat friends as slowly as possible, taking pause to rest at every second step because you’re all in the early onset phase of type 2 diabetes. Obviously, I am being sarcastic. Get the @#$% out of the way. Some of us have loveless marriages to get home to.

Rule 7: Don’t talk on the phone:

Research shows there is nothing more annoying than listening to one side of a phone conversation from a fellow passenger. Not only that, if you are the sort of person who talks on the train it is almost guaranteed that your side of the conversation will be the most boring and obnoxious one. Moreover, nobody believes that:

A) You’re this close to sealing the deal on the Johnson file;

B) Your spoken word performance last night was really well received; or
C) Your girlfriend wants to know what time you’ll be home because she misses you and not because she’s having an affair with the plumber from next door.

By following these simple rules you and your fellow passengers can enjoy a peaceful and stress-free ride. Or at least you will if the @#$%ing train ever shows up.

*The only exception to this rule is if someone calls me, in which case it’s important and I really have to take it.