I
realise you’re deliberately long, but please know we’ll never remember your name,
and that your hashtag on Twitter will selfishly use up the entire tweet – both terrible
marketing outcomes. Take the just released Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence in the
House of God, or rolls-off-the-tongue Charlie Sheen flick, A Glimpse Inside The
Mind of Charles Swan III, which critics really enjoyed (if by “enjoyed” you
mean “publicly thrashed”). Or even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret
of the Ooze – though, to be fair, that couldn’t be shortened, such is the
importance of ooze secrecy. It must stop. Our ADD society demands snappy titles
such as Taken, Oblivion, Parker, Goddess, Taken 2…Actually Taken 2 should
probably be shorter.
Sincerely,
Merc.
Dear
people who tell others that green smoothies taste delicious,
LIARS!Sincerely,
Merc.
Dear
the word “Literally”,
I am so sorry darling. When you started to
become popular a few years ago, we thought all your spelling bees had come at
once, didn’t we? Vocab flavour of the decade, star of the modern sentence. But
how wrong we were! It’s not even that you’re overused so violently – Hannah Horvath
and her girl crew can’t order a soy latte without dragging you on-board, and
don’t get me started on the Kardashians. It’s the fact that you’re being used
so incorrectly that’s annoying. It literally makes my blood boil. Which is a
pity, because I’m now in serious danger of death, and must be immediately
transporterd to the nearest hospital. Gotta fly (not literally),
Merc.
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