How else does one explain the lumpen sacks of flesh who plonk themselves in front of the carriage doors and then look confused and affronted when people struggle to get past them? Or the more assertive traveller who prefers to plough into the passengers trying to exit like a front rower from the Canterbury Bulldogs?
It appears that despite the various posters displayed around Central Station that look like they were designed by special needs kids, people still don’t know how to behave on public transport. So it’s time to go back to the drawing board. Here, at last, is the definitive public transport user’s guide to life:
Rule
1: Do not eat:
A
friend of mine suggested that while travelling on public transport no one
should be allowed to eat anything more complex than an apple, however after
further consideration she concluded that even eating an apple was "gross". Instead people should wear stickers that say "I don’t do crosswords on your
dinner plate so please don’t eat on my train". Rule 2: Stand to the left:
An escalator is a means of increasing transport speed, not a facility for spotty teenagers to fondle their girlfriends. I know that when the average relationship length is two weeks every moment is precious, but this is not a place for clumsy groping and learning how to tongue-kiss. That’s what the food court at Westfield is for.
Rule
3: Move to the back:
Incredibly,
this golden rule applies not just to buses but other forms of transport that
are shaped like buses. This includes trams, train carriages and Volvos. It
never fails to amaze me how many people step onto a carriage and then suddenly
stop as though transfixed by the wonder of it all. No, you haven’t gone through
a wormhole to a bizarre intergalactic dimension, you’ve just gotten on a train
_ although granted in the case of the 12.05am to Liverpool it’s a little bit of
both.
Rule
4: Don’t show off:
There
has been a worrying tendency recently for ice junkies to show a certain
unbecoming braggadocio when interfacing with transport. This is manifest mostly
when they make a big show of crossing busy roads against the lights or
defiantly leap over ticket barriers. Memo: While successive state governments
have made it increasingly difficult to catch public transport, there is no need
to strut around like Mick Jagger just because you successfully exited a train.
Rule
5: Do not look at anyone:
No
good can ever come of looking at people on a train. If you are looking at
someone because they are creepy it means you could end up in a dangerous or
embarrassing situation. If you are looking at someone because they are
attractive it means you are the creepy one.
Rule
6: Learn to walk properly:
When
walking up the stairs to a platform where a train is departing in 30 seconds
the correct protocol is to walk six abreast with your dumb fat friends as
slowly as possible, taking pause to rest at every second step because you’re
all in the early onset phase of type 2 diabetes. Obviously, I am being
sarcastic. Get the @#$% out of the way. Some of us have loveless marriages to
get home to.
Rule
7: Don’t talk on the phone:
Research
shows there is nothing more annoying than listening to one side of a phone
conversation from a fellow passenger. Not only that, if you are the sort of
person who talks on the train it is almost guaranteed that your side of the
conversation will be the most boring and obnoxious one. Moreover, nobody
believes that:
A)
You’re this close to sealing the deal on the Johnson file;
B)
Your spoken word performance last night was really well received; or C) Your girlfriend wants to know what time you’ll be home because she misses you and not because she’s having an affair with the plumber from next door.
By
following these simple rules you and your fellow passengers can enjoy a
peaceful and stress-free ride. Or
at least you will if the @#$%ing train ever shows up.
*The only exception to this
rule is if someone calls me, in which case it’s important and I really have to
take it.
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