No ifs ands or butts about it: Just put some damn pants on!

 I tell you what Australia; it’s time to put some damn pants on. I know this isn’t going to be as easy as it sounds. Australia sometimes struggles even to work out what pants are. We need a pants definition. By “we” I mean the young woman who walked in to my local RTA (Roads and Traffic Authority) office in an essentially pants-less condition.   Now, this girl wasn’t wearing a dress instead of pants. Oh no, she was trying to kid herself – and every other set of bulging eyes in that RTA – into thinking her T-shirt was a dress. A T-shirt that barely went past her hips no less. And, just to add to the unconvincing nature of her cheek-flashing ensemble, this girl had popped on a pair of sheer pantyhose. Sheer, I tell you! As in see-through! Even the garter straps on the stockings were on show for the entire world to see – along with her white undies.
  For a moment there I thought she was lost. I wanted to go over to her with directions to the nearest police station so she could report her stolen pants. Because pantyhose are just not pants. Even though they go over your legs and contain the letters P-A-N-T, they are not pants. They are underwear. Underwear as outerwear is a disturbing trend among would-be pretty young things these days.
  Fashion trends for young women have become tighter, shorter and – let’s face it – sluttier with every season. Sydney in particular, has become the smutty city thanks to these revealing wardrobes. When Mardi Gras partygoers decked out in buttless chaps make you look like a skank by comparison, then you know we have a problem. At what point does skimpy dressing become indecent exposure? Because I’m more than happy to make a citizen’s arrest on anyone who assaults my eyeballs. Girls, at the risk of sounding like your mother, please cover yourselves!
  I’m not for a second suggesting we bring back girdles and neck-to-knee swimming costumes. That’s just nasty. All I’m asking for is a little bit of common sense. Tights are not pants. Yet every second young woman (and even the odd not-so-young woman) is trekking around town in tights with nothing else covering their arse. Well, quite frankly, that makes you an ass.
  Even on a rake-thin model, tights do not count as pants. If the garment coating your arse is 99% Lycra and in no need of zippers or buttons to do them up then, I can tell you now, they are not pants. Tights are an undergarment. As in they belong under another garment, such as a dress that goes past your cellulite-ridden upper thigh region. When you try to present them in public as stand-alone pants, you just look ridiculous.
  Those stares following you around are not stares of “doesn’t she look great?!” They are stares of “what the fuck is she wearing?!” And just doing it because everyone else is wearing the same disgustingly stretched and transparent tights is no excuse. Rolling with the majority isn’t always right. Once upon a time the majority thought the world was flat. Look at us now.
  The only time tights are acceptable in public is during exercise. Running is exercise. Walking the dog is exercise. Wandering around Westfield mall is not exercise.
  It’s not just the tights-as-pants craze that has taken off and turned my stomach in the process. It’s the super-short skirts on not-so-super figures; and the cut-off denim shorts (so short the pockets hang longer than the hemline) that look like they will cut a girl in half when she sits down. My personal opinion is that if you can’t sit down without your bare arse touching the seat, then the skirt is too short. Where are your parents in all this? Have they seen what you’re wearing?
  I will admit that my mother has hurled the occasional hurtful comment my way regarding my outfits. She’s developed a catalogue of nicknames for my clothes. But for every backhanded compliment my mum pays me, I’m sure glad she’s honest about my wardrobe. And I’ve never, ever worn tights as pants. So please, ladies, PUT ‘EM ON!