How to enjoy the perfect summer’s day.

 It’s summer here in Australia. Summer is not the time of year to be overdoing it. If you do too much, you sweat, dehydrate and are well on the way to heat exhaustion. Summer is nature’s way of telling us to slow down. Which is strange, because everything else that lives seems to speed up.

 I wonder why we don’t grow seasonally, like plants. It would make growing up so much easier. You’d buy winter clothes for your kids and they’d fit perfectly all winter long. Then, when they’re back into shorts for summer, they could grow as much as they like – no need to let down trouser legs or skirt hems. Parents would save a fortune on clothes. If your children were getting too tall, you could make them spend summer in the shade. Likewise, a short winter break up north would soon add a couple of centimetres.

 I wonder why we don’t grow more hair in winter and less in summer like most animals. Think of the savings in haircuts. I digress. I’m here with tips on how to have the perfect summer’s day. You will need:

Weather:

Cloudless blue skies, a light breeze, a touch of wood smoke from a neighbour’s BBQ, and high fire danger.

Sunblock:

The days of thinking a tan means sun protection went out with the electric typewriter and the Sex Pistols. Anyone wearing what used to be called a healthy glowing tan is likely to be an English tourist. Soon, instead of Bronzed Aussies we will be known as Alabaster Aussies.

A hat:

Very important for the follicly challenged male and the teenager with a buzz cut. It should ideally have a broad brim and SP factor of 15 or more. But try making teenagers wear their baseball caps the right way around. They’d rather squint into the sun with their hands shading their eyes. Stops them burning the backs of their necks, I suppose. The older you are, the better the hat you can wear and just not care.

A shirt:

Linen is cool, as long you’re not the one having to hand wash it (not tumble it, not spin it) and dry it flat in the shade. This is a washing instruction which makes no sense whatsoever; the only place I know which is flat and in the shade is the kitchen floor.

Shorts:

This garment was so called because the legs are short. Not any more. Now that it’s a fashion accessory, the defining thing about a modern pair of shorts is that it is anything but short. Some still allow a flash of kneecap, but most teenagers wouldn’t be seen dead in shorts which end any higher than mid shin – the kneecap is about where the baggy crotch comes to. The only place any man can still wear his short shorts without being laughed at is playing Aussie Rules or in his back yard.

Sunglasses:

Very important if you’re to avoid cataracts in later life. Wear silly little John Lennon ones at your peril. The sun gets all around the frames and you end up squinting. I prefer my sunglasses to look like a pilot’s or a federal agent’s glasses. The Australian Cancer Council’s wraparound glasses are very good if you really want your kids to giggle and do Roy Orbison impressions all summer.

A deaf ear:

Not really deaf, just selective. You do want to hear the sounds of an Aussie summer: cicadas, crickets, kookaburras, parrots, cockatoos. You don’t want to hear whingeing kids, barking dogs, lawnmowers and chainsaws. Best stick in the earphones and listen to some music.

 I’d give you some more tips, but frankly it’s a perfect day outside and this is too much like work.