Happiness: How to make it happen.

 My neighbour's dog Libby has this absurd little ritual when she wants attention. She jumps on their bed and starts spinning in circles, growling and barking like a possessed puppy until they join her on the side of the bed and unite in her madness. Satisfied that they are laughing at her silliness she settles for a pat in bliss. They in turn have a little gladness in their hearts that they adopted this hilarious little pooch who reminds them to stop taking themselves so seriously and act a little stupid when no one is watching. This to me is happiness.
 What is happiness to you? I’m asking because apparently the world is seriously lacking in happy hormones, the day-to-day grind is getting us down and depression is fast becoming an epidemic. In fact some research has shown evidence that in 2020 depression will outweigh cancer and diabetes as Australia’s biggest killer.
 According to Wikipedia, 3 things define happiness: 50% is gene related, 10-15% is socio-economic and 40% is based on our actions and choices to make us happy. So you don’t find happiness, you make happiness – and with 50% of the choice already made up for us, we have to grab the other 50% and squeeze it till the juice runs dry. Like they say, if you get lemons make lemonade and as much as you possibly can.
 Bindi Irwin was quoted back in July of 2009 on what makes her happy – she said she looked to her now-six-year-old brother for inspiration. Now before you assume that eating dirt and sticking rocks up her nose makes her happy, she said he takes one day at a time and doesn’t worry about the future.
 Now he can’t even spell future yet, let alone know the meaning of the word, but if we all lived a little more like Bob Irwin, life would be a little less stressful. Susan Welch, a Brisbane-based happiness coach, believes too many of us are worrying about what we will and won’t have in the future, who we will and won’t be spending time with and what we will and won’t be doing.
 Instead she believes we should look around at what we have right now and be grateful and appreciate what we are doing and whom we are spending time with. We should even be thankful for our troubles because they are helping to build our character.
 She also recommends spending more time helping others, especially those less fortunate than us, taking time to look each other in the eye and really connect and care for those around us and, above all, remember to take time to laugh, for at least 15 minutes a day. Seems simple enough, but ask yourself, have you done anything like that lately? I know I haven’t.
 In our quest for happiness and fulfilment, we often forget to relish the moments in between. As someone wise once said, the journey is as important as the destination and effort is as important as success. So take some time today and be grateful for the desk you’re sitting at. Do something nice and get your workmates their morning coffee. Read those funny emails and have a good chuckle. Let someone merge in the traffic and enjoy the grateful wave. Give the stranger in front of you in the grocery line a compliment and call someone you love and tell him or her how you feel.
 Write a list about what’s good in your life and carry it in your pocket to remind you that life is good right now. Because ultimately, happiness should be defined as your name not turning up in the obituary column.

The power of 'no'.

 A lot has been written in the world of self-help and personal development about the power of the word "yes"; how you can enhance your life being open to new possibilities, regularly affirming your worth and generally believing anything is possible. Though I'm a believer of positive thinking, I reckon there's also a tremendous power in learning to deal with the word "no", particularly if you're not used to hearing it. The latest drama and bullshit surrounding actress and wannabe pop star Lindsay Lohan is the perfect example of learning to deal with the word “no”. If you gaze hard through the almost impenetrable vanity that surrounds Lohan, you'll find a girl who became a woman without hearing the word "no" enough times...

 While Lohan's case is particularly visible and largely not worth mentioning, many other examples of people who can't deal with "no" are not so frivolous. The most violent manifestations seem to occur after romantic splits.

 "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned," goes the famous line. What's sad about this often misquoted saying is women are treated like shit for turning nasty when relationships sour, yet they're the ones most often violently victimised when men can't take "no" for an answer. Doubtless, there are plenty of guys who've copped a frying pan on the head from a rejected female lover, but they pale next to the numbers of women bashed, terrorised, stalked and murdered by blokes who couldn't deal with being dumped.
 Take the British case of Raoul Moat, a nightclub bouncer who got out of jail and, days later, shot dead his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend, then critically wounded her and later shot a police officer in the face. Despite his muscles, tough guy demeanour and Hollywood revenge fantasies; Moat was essentially stamping his feet like a five-year-old boy because love hadn't gone his way. He couldn't deal with "no". Moat subsequently killed himself after leading British authorities on a nationwide, week-long manhunt, even sending police a letter in which he claimed "I am a killer and a maniac but I ain't no coward. I was terrified of losing Sam [his girlfriend] as I knew I would lose the plot."

 Rejection can be brutal, but rest assured almost everyone has felt it, from Hazel Hawke to Sienna Miller, Elle Macpherson to William Butler Yeats, Eminem to Ryan Adams to Miss Piggy…take your pick. Heartbreak is an absolute mongrel because it's someone saying "no" to us in the most personal and often diminishing manner. It is grief pure and simple and, to deal with it, it's sometimes helpful to listen to an expert.

 Dr Gordon Livingston is a psychiatrist of more than 30 years' experience who found fame in 2005 with a little book of hard-won wisdom, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart.

He is also "a parent twice bereaved", having lost his oldest son to suicide and youngest son to leukaemia in the space of 13 months. Death is life's greatest "no". There are no arguments, no comebacks, no reconciliations over a glass of wine and what Livingston learnt dealing with his grief is that "there is no way around it; you just have to go through it".

 And so it is with heartbreak. You just have to walk through the fire, and all the weekend binges, one-night stands or violent recriminations don't change that fact; the fire of rejection or self-loathing will still be waiting for you when you've finished. And probably be roaring even hotter.

 In his letter to police, Moat wrote that "it's like The Hulk, it takes over and it's more than anger and it happens only when I'm hurt, and this time I was really hurt". That's the fire and Moat will never get the chance to discover what exists beyond it. What the rest of us who've experienced grief and accepted "no" as part of life learn is simple but deep: you might not always get what you want, but it could be just what you need.

 There's probably a song in that, Lindsay.

Bid now!

 It's hard to believe eBay has been with us for almost 17 years now and, if the world's favourite online auction site suddenly disappeared, for some people it would be similar to imagining life without running water. As anyone who's managed to sell piles of useless crap on eBay knows, it's an invaluable method of exploiting our newest "junkies" - individuals who'll actually pay good money for your framed 2003 Rabbitohs jersey or the hiking boots that give you blisters the size of poached eggs.

 My biggest beef with eBay, however, is the limited nature of the products and services you can buy on the website. Sure you can bid on Britney Spears's hair, a grilled cheese sandwich that resembles the Virgin Mary or a decommissioned aircraft carrier. Yes, people have auctioned their virginity, their entire house, as well as the rights to tattooing advertising slogans on their body but, overall, doesn't it seem like the selection is a tad limited? What about some really useful products and services, stuff that makes the world a better place?

Your dog's immortality:

 The winning bidder is ensured their beloved pooch never dies and it's not just animal owners who'd pay. Keep one of these "items" in the glove box of your car should you ever splatter the neighbour's Labrador while you're speeding to Pilates.

Giving up smoking:

 If you've ever tried to kick the world's most disgusting, destructive, thoroughly enjoyable habit, you know it can be harder to control than the interest on a Michael McGurk loan.

 Seriously, what would you pay to give up the durries - overnight, guaranteed - so that you'd never again want to stick another filthy buster in your mouth? $1000? $5000? I bid $10,000.

Four hours’ extra sleep:

 Cash this in whenever you want: after a big night and the alarm is ludicrously demanding you rise for work, or when your baby's been crying for three days and you need sanity zeds. You could also buy this item for people you dislike so they miss international flights.

Pregnancy swap:

 How many women are desperate to get pregnant and can't, while others seem to get knocked up stepping into a nightclub. All those unwanted pregnancies can now be happily and lucratively exchanged with couples enduring the exhaustion of IVF. Top tip: check the seller's feedback rating.

Roman Polanski violated:

 The winning bidder also gets to ask him 34 years later whether it was no big deal.

Green lights all the way home:

 Just pray the four-wheel-drive owner who's approaching the same intersection as you hasn't bought a similar item.

Toned bum for summer:

 No gimmicks, no creams, no dangerous surgery. The winning bidder gets a booty so hard you can break your hand on it and can also auction off their old arse to a chubby chaser.

Mad love:

 The icy blonde who works at your local cafe? The chiselled dude in the hoodie training down at the park? Win this item and they will absolutely, positively, fall in love with you. Then stalk you when you break up with them.

First date redux:

 You'll find this under the "time machines" category. You get to experience that wonderful first date with your partner all over again: when you realised everything was clicking and this was the person you'd spend the rest of your life with. Condoms extra.

Smother Andrew Stockdale in his crib:

 Another new category in which you bid on the rights to go back in history and intervene in a person's birth. You could stop Hitler's parents meeting, ensure the senior Bushes never shagged and conceived George W, or just pop into the lead singer of Wolfmother's nursery and slip a pillow over his afro head...and save us all the crappiest Aussie band ever.

No PMT for a year:

 Avoid mood swings at that time of the month. A bestseller with husbands and boyfriends. The ultimate anniversary present.

Surf like Mick Fanning:

 Or hit a ball like Tiger Woods, play football like Greg Inglis or cutback like Layne Beachley (Buy the Beachley item now for $1.42!)

Bash anyone:

 Keep this item in your wallet for that blue moon occasion when a loud mouth, steroid-injecting, date rapist gives you lip walking home on a Friday night and you're not sure of your chances. Might need another of the same item if he finds out your name and address.

World peace:

 Sorry, this item has been withdrawn for violating eBay's Terms and Conditions. Sale or ownership of this item is prohibited in one or more international territories.

Other possibilities:

 Ability to fly, X-ray vision, power to read minds, ideas for blog posts.

Cat lover calling in sick (this had me giggling from start to finish).

 Honestly, whenever I get a "forward email" from my friends, I usually tend to just delete them straight away. I guess this one caught my attention because it's about cats, and well anything with cats in it will catch my attention. This will definitely put a smile on your face and make you giggle....

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?