The power of 'no'.

 A lot has been written in the world of self-help and personal development about the power of the word "yes"; how you can enhance your life being open to new possibilities, regularly affirming your worth and generally believing anything is possible. Though I'm a believer of positive thinking, I reckon there's also a tremendous power in learning to deal with the word "no", particularly if you're not used to hearing it. The latest drama and bullshit surrounding actress and wannabe pop star Lindsay Lohan is the perfect example of learning to deal with the word “no”. If you gaze hard through the almost impenetrable vanity that surrounds Lohan, you'll find a girl who became a woman without hearing the word "no" enough times...

 While Lohan's case is particularly visible and largely not worth mentioning, many other examples of people who can't deal with "no" are not so frivolous. The most violent manifestations seem to occur after romantic splits.

 "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned," goes the famous line. What's sad about this often misquoted saying is women are treated like shit for turning nasty when relationships sour, yet they're the ones most often violently victimised when men can't take "no" for an answer. Doubtless, there are plenty of guys who've copped a frying pan on the head from a rejected female lover, but they pale next to the numbers of women bashed, terrorised, stalked and murdered by blokes who couldn't deal with being dumped.
 Take the British case of Raoul Moat, a nightclub bouncer who got out of jail and, days later, shot dead his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend, then critically wounded her and later shot a police officer in the face. Despite his muscles, tough guy demeanour and Hollywood revenge fantasies; Moat was essentially stamping his feet like a five-year-old boy because love hadn't gone his way. He couldn't deal with "no". Moat subsequently killed himself after leading British authorities on a nationwide, week-long manhunt, even sending police a letter in which he claimed "I am a killer and a maniac but I ain't no coward. I was terrified of losing Sam [his girlfriend] as I knew I would lose the plot."

 Rejection can be brutal, but rest assured almost everyone has felt it, from Hazel Hawke to Sienna Miller, Elle Macpherson to William Butler Yeats, Eminem to Ryan Adams to Miss Piggy…take your pick. Heartbreak is an absolute mongrel because it's someone saying "no" to us in the most personal and often diminishing manner. It is grief pure and simple and, to deal with it, it's sometimes helpful to listen to an expert.

 Dr Gordon Livingston is a psychiatrist of more than 30 years' experience who found fame in 2005 with a little book of hard-won wisdom, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart.

He is also "a parent twice bereaved", having lost his oldest son to suicide and youngest son to leukaemia in the space of 13 months. Death is life's greatest "no". There are no arguments, no comebacks, no reconciliations over a glass of wine and what Livingston learnt dealing with his grief is that "there is no way around it; you just have to go through it".

 And so it is with heartbreak. You just have to walk through the fire, and all the weekend binges, one-night stands or violent recriminations don't change that fact; the fire of rejection or self-loathing will still be waiting for you when you've finished. And probably be roaring even hotter.

 In his letter to police, Moat wrote that "it's like The Hulk, it takes over and it's more than anger and it happens only when I'm hurt, and this time I was really hurt". That's the fire and Moat will never get the chance to discover what exists beyond it. What the rest of us who've experienced grief and accepted "no" as part of life learn is simple but deep: you might not always get what you want, but it could be just what you need.

 There's probably a song in that, Lindsay.