Cat lover calling in sick (this had me giggling from start to finish).

 Honestly, whenever I get a "forward email" from my friends, I usually tend to just delete them straight away. I guess this one caught my attention because it's about cats, and well anything with cats in it will catch my attention. This will definitely put a smile on your face and make you giggle....

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

The greatest prank call ever....

 When the telemarketers call do you just hang up, get angry, or have a little fun with them? Well here is an idea. This prank phone call proves that Karma exists, and you can fight back when it comes to unsolicited calls...

From my Inbox (The over 30 crowd will especially love this one).

 I love my Inbox. Like a good friendship it has the ability to make me laugh out loud, cry and sigh. Every day I log on excited to see what my friend has for me today, something to take me away from the ho-hum of my average week. So rather than keeping this one all to myself, I’ve decided to share...

TO THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD:

 When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious moaning and groaning about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....uphill…barefoot…BOTH ways!

 And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it.

 But now that…I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy, I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

 And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it.

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

 There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there.

Stamps were 30 cents!

 Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass, nowhere was safe!

 There were no MP3’ s or Limewire or Napster. If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and stuff it all up. There were no CD players. We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favourite tape and “eject” it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that’s how we rolled, dig?

 We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it! And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either.
 When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister.

 We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3D graphics. We had the Atari 2600, with games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your guy was a little square. You actually had to use your imagination. And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen…forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died, just like LIFE!

 You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on. You were screwed when it came to channel surfing. You had to get off your bum and walk over to the TV to change the channel. NO REMOTES!!!

 There was no Cartoon Network either. You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

 And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove, imagine that!

 That’s exactly what I’m talking about; you kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

PS: This one had me laughing from start to finish and nodding my head in agreement and reminding me what it was like before we had all this stuff, and going "Oh yeah, those were the days! It's all so true." Brought back so many memories too hehe...

Australians would be rubbish on Pandora.

 So I finally caved and saw Avatar on DVD. A large enough number of trusted cynical friends gushed about the film to force me off my high horse and into the local Blockbuster store. As I gazed at the magical Pandoran landscape, a thought occurred.

Pandora is Australia.

 Bizarre plants in lush rainforests. Harsh terrain full of killer animals. Dirt rich with ore. An indigenous culture that is at one with nature. An introduced culture involved in wars they probably shouldn't be. Flies and bushfires all over the place. Pretty much everyone looks like they're wearing zinc. Then I realised that present-day Australians not only couldn't exist on Pandora, we wouldn't want to, and we'd probably stuff the place up in the process. So here, because I know the world is waiting for them, is the Top Eight Reasons Australians Would Be Rubbish On Pandora.

1. There are too many apostrophes:
 Australians aren't known for punctuation and grammar. City signs are full of apostrophe violations. So the phrase "Dave, I'd like you to meet Mo'at of the Na'vi clan" would just confuse and disorientate.

2. Everybody's pretty much nude:

 Seriously. Nobody would get any work done.

3. We're not very good at saying sorry:

 The Na'vi apologise to their prey while they're killing it. Bugger that - apologising to animals cuts into important barbecuing time.

4. The Na'vi get up really, really early:

 There is no snooze button in the Pandoran forest.

5. We would just use our banshees to go down to the shops:
 Give an Australian an animal that will fly them anywhere they want, and you won't see a nation filled with fit, lean, 3m-tall athletes pouncing from tree to tree. No, you'd see a nation of fat, lazy blue people whistling for their winged taxi every time they wanted a carton of milk or a packet of smokes. Give us a neural connection to our animals, so they know exactly where we want to travel, and I'll give you a big bunch of dinosaur-esque flying things all heading to the kebab shop at pub-closing time. Mind you, just like in Avatar, if a guy shows up with a bigger, redder, shinier flying creature than ours, we'll basically follow him into an exploding tree if he asks us to. Australians can, after all, appreciate the influential power of a sweeter ride.

6. The Na'vi take about ten minutes to accept illegal immigrants:

 If you're one of the Sky People trying to crack your way into the Na'vi tribe, all you need is a willingness to learn and the ability to attract floating seeds from a spooky tree. If you're one of the Boat People trying to crack your way into the Torres Strait, you'll need a pre-existing, comprehensive understanding of the language and culture, a high tolerance for detention centres and a good book.

7. Archery is the national sport:

 Archery. Nobody ever did the Mexican wave or built a beer-cup snake at the archery. Nobody ever had a scarf and beanie knitted featuring their favourite archer's name. And nobody ever streaked at the archery.

8. The landscape is unsuitable for caravans:

 On Pandora, what are old people supposed to do when they retire?