Pandora is Australia.
Bizarre plants in lush rainforests. Harsh terrain full of killer animals. Dirt rich with ore. An indigenous culture that is at one with nature. An introduced culture involved in wars they probably shouldn't be. Flies and bushfires all over the place. Pretty much everyone looks like they're wearing zinc. Then I realised that present-day Australians not only couldn't exist on Pandora, we wouldn't want to, and we'd probably stuff the place up in the process. So here, because I know the world is waiting for them, is the Top Eight Reasons Australians Would Be Rubbish On Pandora.
1. There are too many apostrophes:
Australians aren't known for punctuation and grammar. City signs are full of apostrophe violations. So the phrase "Dave, I'd like you to meet Mo'at of the Na'vi clan" would just confuse and disorientate.
2. Everybody's pretty much nude:
Seriously. Nobody would get any work done.
3. We're not very good at saying sorry:
The Na'vi apologise to their prey while they're killing it. Bugger that - apologising to animals cuts into important barbecuing time.
4. The Na'vi get up really, really early:
There is no snooze button in the Pandoran forest.
5. We would just use our banshees to go down to the shops:
Give an Australian an animal that will fly them anywhere they want, and you won't see a nation filled with fit, lean, 3m-tall athletes pouncing from tree to tree. No, you'd see a nation of fat, lazy blue people whistling for their winged taxi every time they wanted a carton of milk or a packet of smokes. Give us a neural connection to our animals, so they know exactly where we want to travel, and I'll give you a big bunch of dinosaur-esque flying things all heading to the kebab shop at pub-closing time. Mind you, just like in Avatar, if a guy shows up with a bigger, redder, shinier flying creature than ours, we'll basically follow him into an exploding tree if he asks us to. Australians can, after all, appreciate the influential power of a sweeter ride.
Give an Australian an animal that will fly them anywhere they want, and you won't see a nation filled with fit, lean, 3m-tall athletes pouncing from tree to tree. No, you'd see a nation of fat, lazy blue people whistling for their winged taxi every time they wanted a carton of milk or a packet of smokes. Give us a neural connection to our animals, so they know exactly where we want to travel, and I'll give you a big bunch of dinosaur-esque flying things all heading to the kebab shop at pub-closing time. Mind you, just like in Avatar, if a guy shows up with a bigger, redder, shinier flying creature than ours, we'll basically follow him into an exploding tree if he asks us to. Australians can, after all, appreciate the influential power of a sweeter ride.
6. The Na'vi take about ten minutes to accept illegal immigrants:
If you're one of the Sky People trying to crack your way into the Na'vi tribe, all you need is a willingness to learn and the ability to attract floating seeds from a spooky tree. If you're one of the Boat People trying to crack your way into the Torres Strait, you'll need a pre-existing, comprehensive understanding of the language and culture, a high tolerance for detention centres and a good book.
7. Archery is the national sport:
Archery. Nobody ever did the Mexican wave or built a beer-cup snake at the archery. Nobody ever had a scarf and beanie knitted featuring their favourite archer's name. And nobody ever streaked at the archery.
8. The landscape is unsuitable for caravans:
On Pandora, what are old people supposed to do when they retire?
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