We’re fickle with who deserves our thanks.

 Is it just me, or are there less pleases and thank yous going around these days? I was in a cafe recently and noticed a woman rudely barking orders at the sandwich hand. She requested every condiment ever conceived, without once saying please. Then, on receiving her beautifully customised baguette, she walked away without saying thanks. I forgave her for her rudeness, concluding she must have been raised by wolves, but decided to spend a few days being actively aware of social graces.

 The upshot? I witnessed a friend give a cabbie directions without saying please; I held open the door of a department store and five people whizzed past without acknowledging my courtesy; and I sat on a bus and watched as passengers departed without even a smile or a nod to the driver.

 I was very disappointed by what I’d seen. At the last child care centre I worked at, they had a cleaner, and whenever the cleaner came to empty the office bin and clean up, as usual, I greeted and thanked him. But then I noticed not many other people paid him any attention. I questioned the supervisor about it and she said she didn’t see the need to thank him because “it’s his job”.

 Aha! Somewhere along the line, society has decided that if someone is paid to help, we can do away with kindness. But here’s what I think: that’s rubbish. Manners shouldn’t be conditional – they should be genuine expressions of gratitude. We’re very fickle with who deserves our appreciation; we’re quick to thank the doctor who cures our illness or the accountant who sorts our tax return, despite the fact both will charge us accordingly. So why are we less inclined to thank the bus driver who gets us safely to our destination or the cleaner who keeps the workplace toilet sparkling?

 Forget the insincerity that often comes with social etiquette, and let’s return to heartfelt kindness. We can be quick to criticize people in the service industry for their lack of charm, but let’s take a look at the way we treat them. The next time a waiter clears your table or a taxi driver lugs your suitcase from the boot, thank them, but make sure you truly mean it.

 When we were kids, manners were just the annoying habits our parents forced on us that we often dismissed. But they should be meaningful. I won’t go all Oprah on you, but imagine the difference we could make in each other’s lives by just sharing something as simple as kind appreciation.

 OK, maybe I did go a bit Oprah on you.

There’s one piece of advice that’s actually sunk in.

Like many mothers, my mum is always forthcoming with advice. And like most loud-mouthed, ‘know-it-all’ daughters, I usually inform her I’m more than capable of running my own life, thank you very much. That is, until I skulk back to her for sympathy when another tattooed schmuck breaks my heart.

 But along with “Sit with your legs together” and “Don’t eat so fast”, one piece of advice that’s actually sunk in is: “Always keep the receipt.” If you’ve ever stood at a shop counter red-faced, trying to explain to an unsympathetic sales assistant that you were sure your mother was going to love a breadmaker for her birthday, and the receipt was in the bag, but the dog must have eaten it, then you know what I’m talking about.

 What is it about store returns that transforms a sales assistant from friendlier than Oprah to putting 20^th-century dictators to shame? It’s a bit like being seduced by a con man. At first you’re beguiled by the smiles and reassuring “Why don’t you buy it and try it on at home. If you change your mind, you can bring it back.” Then when you return the next day, having decided you were right all along, the cheery girl who insisted you looked a million dollars in a faux fur poncho has morphed into Cruella De Vil.

 She picks up the garment and inspects it with more eye for detail than the explosives inspectors at border control. Then she shakes her head, pulling off microscopic flecks of lint with her disapproving eye, all but suggesting you went mud wrestling in it. That’s followed by a scowl as she says she needs to consult the manager, leaving you awkwardly hanging at the counter with a queue of disgruntled shoppers annoyed that you’re holding them up.

 The humiliation continues when the manager comes to the counter and both staff members investigate the item for so long, they may as well jump on the PA system and welcome everyone to gather around Ladies Apparel to witness the lying, cheating and deceitful criminal...I mean, customer.

 Experience that just once and, let me tell you, you learn to hold on to your receipts with the same vigilance as you do your passport or children. In protest to the negativity around ‘returns’, when my friend was a sales assistant in an up-market clothes boutique, she went to the other extreme. She happily accepted every item with a smile. Sometimes she didn’t even open the bag; she just took the customer’s word for it. She strove to be the nicest, friendliest refunder the store had ever seen.

 Sadly, her groundbreaking willingness and aptitude at returning goods led to a very short-lived career in retail. And now comes my own piece of clever advice: When you choose to excel at something at work, make sure it doesn’t chip into the company’s profit margin.

The ex contract.

 If you had to choose between the following two scenarios, which would you prefer?You're walking down the street with someone you're dating and you see your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend approaching. Now, here's the choice:

a) Your ex looks better than they ever did. They're fit, clear-eyed, astonishingly well-dressed and on the arm of someone gorgeous, or:

b) Your ex is a train-wreck; swollen, dirty, drunk, they smell like cheap ham, have dandruff in their eyebrows and might even be limping. Oh, and they're hanging with Geoffrey Edelsten. Tough call, eh? ...

 Plenty of people pay lip service to being happy if their old flame's doing well and moving on with their life, but thriving? Excelling? Doing better than ever? "What was I?" you think, "A friggin' anchor around your neck? And now you're setting sail for the Bahamas?"

 For this reason, I'd say there are also plenty of people who've felt a ripple of pessimistic delight when they see their ex (especially one who's dumped them) has gained weight, a facial tick or police record since your bust-up. "Serves you right, you missed your chance at bliss with this," you say to yourself. More than likely, however, your choice of (a) or (b) depends on the time you've been separated and who did the leaving.

 If you've been rejected, you might like to see your ex homeless and hurting but as you, too, move on, hopefully you'll wish them the best and rejoice in their successes. It also reflects well on you if your ex has got it going on: there's a sense of pride in being able to say "I used to date that attractive/well-regarded/good-hearted person."

 However, as years go by, even if you can't spout superlatives about your old lover, there's still a bunch of stuff we'd prefer never to hear attached to their name. Like hijacking a commercial aircraft, having sexual relations outside their species or screaming on Deal or No Deal. The sad truth is, even if you're not shagging someone any more, they can still taint you by association, so there's some rules that should be adhered to.

 This is the "The Ex-Contract" and some of the heads of agreement are:

Stay in shape: It's embarrassing when you see your high school girlfriend and she looks as if she ate the rest of her year 12 class.

Age well: Same goes for your ex-boyfriend who appears 25 years older than you, is grey haired, triple-chinned, with more burst capillaries than an Anzac Day march.

Don't get arrested for sex offences: Can you imagine picking up the paper and realising you used to swap spit with a rapist, kiddie-fiddler or Joel Monaghan?

Don't appear on a reality TV show: Spare a thought for the ex-boyfriends of Joanne from MasterChef.

Don't date Geoffrey Edelsten or Layne Beachley: Sure both are married, but you get what I mean. It's like when Seinfeld found out his new girlfriend had dated Newman and been dumped by him. Some things you just can't get past.

Ditch the pics: Keep your photo albums, sure, but if you've got a nest of frames containing your ex, you're in breach of the contract. And don't send your ex's parents Christmas cards. Yeesh.

Don't talk publicly about your ex: Especially in magazine interviews, particularly if you've broken any of the above rules.

 Of course, there's another school of thought about this and it's that every new wickedness, mental breakdown, bankruptcy, assault charge, drunken outburst and disease you hear your ex has contracted serves to confirm you dodged a massive bullet. Whatever the reason for your break-up, no matter who left who and why, you're actually about 50 times better off without them and their issues. So smile. Just don't sell the story to Woman's Day.

Understand the mouse trap.

 In the office, in the home, the mouse is the modern-day courier. Scurrying around under your fingertips as you sit at the computer, the mouse is a highly efficient messenger, moving around important, well, messages.

 If you are not familiar with all the facets of the mouse, the following glossary is an essential reference for your home and your office. First, let’s consider if the mouse is a messenger misnomer. Could our reliable courier of critical information not have been called another critter?

 For example, what about the gazelle? It’s fast, smooth, can cover great distances with ease. But we are talking about modern technology. That won’t work. What about an Aussie version? The wombat, maybe? After a bit of a sleep-in, it grudgingly pushes around what information it can forage before retiring again for a nap. It has potential – but hold on – some species are endangered and we can’t have something that will become obsolete.

 A dog? It has lots of experience in moving information around. Sure, in the form of newspapers, so it may have to update its skills but it does follow commands. Well, most of the time. What if you needed it to fetch some information for your 10am meeting and it played dead instead? Hmm...

 So, the mouse it is, and it appears we have a plague of them at work and around the house. Let’s open the manual.

GLOSSARY:

Mouse: A small, hairy animal with four legs and a tail.

Hard drive: What the mouse experiences when the traffic is heavy and time is of the essence.

Mouse mat: Where the mouse likes to take a nap after a hard drive, usually in front of the fire.

Log on: What you need to do to the fire to keep the mouse warm.

Log in: The mouse is now warm. Thank you.

Log off: Don’t upset the mouse.

Log out: You have upset the mouse. Now it’s hungry.

Apple: What the mouse likes to eat.

Megabyte: What a very hungry mouse takes out of the apple.

App: A small apple for a mouse that is not so hungry.

Microsoft app: A very small and squishy apple.

Mouse over: The apple was bad and now the mouse is dead. Or does it just have flat batteries?

Right click the mouse: Turn the mouse on its side and click your fingers to see if it moves.

Left click the mouse: Turn the mouse on its other side and click your other fingers to see if it moves. No? Then call the help desk. That’s right, even the furniture is smarter than you. And you will need to speak its language to understand even the simplest of instructions. These basic terms may help.

Boot: Kick the computer to get it going. But that’s how all this mouse mess started!

Reboot: Again? Now we really are asking for trouble.

Backed up: That’s what you should have done to avoid this mouse mess.

Shut down: What your brain does when it’s had enough of technology. I recommend you grab a glass of wine and go and sit in front of the fire. Just mind the dead mouse.