I use those self-service checkouts at the supermarket. I like them. I like the people who use them too. I suspect we are a type. It’s not just about speed or convenience; it’s little things that everyone feels, but few admit. For a start, I avoid the dopey kid who looks at herbs like they’ve only recently come into the country. Honestly, there’s only about 10 of them – it’s not like I’ve been foraging. Would it kill you to study two types of parsley so I don’t get held up by a price check?
Or the pause as I watch the newbie try to remember what the supervisor said about packing boxes and bottles. It’s not Tetris. And no, milk doesn’t go on top of bread. They’re trying to do the right thing and everyone has to learn, but that pause as they try to remember which apple code to enter does my head in. And EVERYONE hates to pick up the slow line. It’s pathetic, I know, but watching someone who arrived at the next check-out after you grab their shopper docket and go while you’re still staring at a stationary conveyor belt that remains full of someone else’s groceries...well, that’s just unbearable.
We all have our tricks; we all have our shopper version of racial profiling. If you’ve never seen Up in the Air, it’s worth watching for one scene alone. George Clooney’s character does so much flying, he has security-check queue picking down to a science. In part, he avoids queuing behind old people (“Their bodies are littered with hidden metal and they never seem to appreciate how little time they have left”) and always tries to get behind Asian businessmen (“They pack light, travel efficiently and they have a thing for slip-on shoes”).
But now, in supermarkets, we have a choice, and it’s separating people who hate slow queues from people who hate them with a passion and would train in a simulator if it helped avoid them. By picking the self-serve check-out, you can avoid the most painful queue of all: the short queue/slow payers. The most common type of slow payer is the lady who waits until the check-out chick states the price and only then gets out her purse. And after slowly extracting the right notes and the gold coins, she really aims for precision: “Now what have I given you...60...70...I do have a ten-cent piece here.” Yes, I’m sure you do Mrs Smith, it’s buried under the shillings, pence and war rations. Come on, get with the times lady. Hand over a note and let the girl with that huge cash register FULL OF CHANGE get you out of my way, quick sticks!
The staff at my local supermarket are actually particularly polite and very friendly. But as you can tell from my above-mentioned mood, in ‘shopper mode’ I can live without polite and friendly. I’m happy not talking when I shop. I talk a lot during the day. By 6pm on a Thursday night I’m done with chit chat. The self-serve machine might “talk” to me, but only in that comforting recorded kind of way. The voice you associate with accurate GPS directions. The voice that cuts to the chase if you can press the buttons fast enough. As a self-server I sound grumpy, but grocery shopping’s not high on my “good times” list. So a fast game’s a good game, OK? And I have a queue of people who are just like me. And that queue’s fast.
2 comments:
brilliant as always, although i find more and more slow useless people using selfservice now :-\ good work <3
I live with someone who doesn't do public well. And patience is NOT in his DNA. Self-check is the only way for us unless they are all closed for NO REASON and then he just about has an aneurysm! However, even when we are together and we have first pick of the self-serve lines, I do the actual checking. His impatience causes unnecessary delay. He gets moving faster than the scanner and then has to wait. This raises his blood pressure as well as my self-consciousness and leads to us being there too long and WAY to uncomfortably. When I check, I move at a consistent rate that is JUST below the computer's top ability. This allows smooth, continuous scanning, proper bagging (since I load the belt by type in the FIRST PLACE!!), as well as lower stress, social awkwardness and he's more likely to shop with me next time. At first he complained about how I wasn't moving fast enough, but when we went head to head, I finished first, calm and correctly bagged and change given. He still had 4 items left to scan. Sometimes, just a half of a second can make minutes of time! I share your general hatred for shopping and waiting and incompetence. Really, I just learned how to use the system just the way it was designed, but to MY advantage. I even know how to avoid that embarrassing and frustrating pause when it requires ID, or you can't bag it cuz it's too big. I save ALL such items for last, scan the first one and make her STAND THERE WITH ME and work me through the rest, so I can leave QUICKLY and without everyone staring at me for holding up the line. All my stuff is bagged and in the cart, my card is in hand and it's all about how well she can do her job now. :) (Poshy)
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