If you're really fortunate, however, you live in a flat with just the right acoustics to pipe in the transmissions from the love machine, who lives above, so when they get lucky at midnight, so do you! Then you get to spend the next wide-eyed, half hour praying Casanova hasn't popped Viagra.
Thumpers:
These two might as well be hammering nails above you. At least they have rhythm.
These two might as well be hammering nails above you. At least they have rhythm.
Squeakers:
Who illustrate nightly why you should not buy a cheap bed.
Who illustrate nightly why you should not buy a cheap bed.
Rollers:
You really only get to appreciate this phenomenon if the people upstairs have floorboards. After a bit of discrete rumpy pumpy, something falls on the ground that sounds like a marble rolling across the floor. I reckon I've spent a solid three days of my life trying to work out what the hell it is?
You really only get to appreciate this phenomenon if the people upstairs have floorboards. After a bit of discrete rumpy pumpy, something falls on the ground that sounds like a marble rolling across the floor. I reckon I've spent a solid three days of my life trying to work out what the hell it is?
Ron Jeremy:
Is there a creepier and/or funnier experience than hearing another couple's bedroom talk, especially if the guy thinks he's a porn star and his missus, a phone sex operator? Cries of "that's it tiger" and "you sweet, sick thing" pale next to the true champion of the genre who quotes the Hedgehog at the top of his voice, screaming "it's your dick, baby!"
Is there a creepier and/or funnier experience than hearing another couple's bedroom talk, especially if the guy thinks he's a porn star and his missus, a phone sex operator? Cries of "that's it tiger" and "you sweet, sick thing" pale next to the true champion of the genre who quotes the Hedgehog at the top of his voice, screaming "it's your dick, baby!"
Spiderman:
There's a distinctly different sound when someone is pounding away against the floor or against the wall and Spidey, well, he likes to get vertical.
There's a distinctly different sound when someone is pounding away against the floor or against the wall and Spidey, well, he likes to get vertical.
The iPoders:
Who need to have THAT song on for the magic to happen. Hopefully it's not by Something For Kate.
Who need to have THAT song on for the magic to happen. Hopefully it's not by Something For Kate.
The Mandelas:
Screaming, sobbing, moaning and arguing. You're not sure what's going on with this couple: is he killing her or teaching her the Kama Sutra?
Screaming, sobbing, moaning and arguing. You're not sure what's going on with this couple: is he killing her or teaching her the Kama Sutra?
Screamers:
Really annoy me.
Really annoy me.
Gigglers:
Ain't they cute?
Ain't they cute?
Jerry Springers:
This is more of a visual experience. After you've spotted the very fat woman with the cabanossi-skinny boyfriend in the hallway, you get to imagine the intimate mechanics when they start to get it done next door.
This is more of a visual experience. After you've spotted the very fat woman with the cabanossi-skinny boyfriend in the hallway, you get to imagine the intimate mechanics when they start to get it done next door.
Greg Birds/Wayne Careys:
I hate these guys. It always starts with breaking glass and ends with you having to give a statement to the cops in your undies.
I hate these guys. It always starts with breaking glass and ends with you having to give a statement to the cops in your undies.
Old MacDonalds:
All I'm saying is if there's bleating or barking going on in 15D you may wanna call the RSPCA. Or maybe Colour Climax Films. Thanks for hearing me out on this.
All I'm saying is if there's bleating or barking going on in 15D you may wanna call the RSPCA. Or maybe Colour Climax Films. Thanks for hearing me out on this.
The powerpoints:
Because they have one in every room.
Because they have one in every room.
The onanists:
Same loop of video over and over again on their laptop or the friendly buzz of a certain appliance. Dead giveaway when the “rabbit” falls off the bed and razzes against the floorboards for 10 seconds.
Same loop of video over and over again on their laptop or the friendly buzz of a certain appliance. Dead giveaway when the “rabbit” falls off the bed and razzes against the floorboards for 10 seconds.
The thespians:
I've never heard this breed in action but I did see my neighbours unloading fancy dress costumes out of their car one afternoon - naughty school girl for her, matador for him. When I raised a suggestive eyebrow at the lady of the house she merely smiled and said "it's his birthday."
I've never heard this breed in action but I did see my neighbours unloading fancy dress costumes out of their car one afternoon - naughty school girl for her, matador for him. When I raised a suggestive eyebrow at the lady of the house she merely smiled and said "it's his birthday."
The Todd McKenneys:
Also known as The Malcom Frasers. You may not see them in action but you'll find their pants in the hallway. Hopefully unsoiled.
Also known as The Malcom Frasers. You may not see them in action but you'll find their pants in the hallway. Hopefully unsoiled.
The long-term married:
Best neighbours of all. Silent as a tomb, except for when the baby is crying.
Ps: If you're not familiar with some of the names of people on here, Google them.
Best neighbours of all. Silent as a tomb, except for when the baby is crying.
Ps: If you're not familiar with some of the names of people on here, Google them.
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