The year of the crepe.

 A couple of weeks ago, I was at the gym attempting pull-ups - you know, where you lie under a parallel bar and do a kind of reverse push-up, drawing yourself up from the ground. I'd done only one (sort of) pull-up when I looked at my forearm, pressed against the bicep and noticed that the skin was, well, wrinkled - in fact it was crepey - like you see on really, really old people. I immediately stopped exercising and examined my arms and there it was again - crepe. That's when I realised youth had waved a silent goodbye and kicked my ass on its way out and that, I really was getting old...
 For men they experience a similar epiphany when they discover their hair is thinning.

But, plenty of people lose their hair when they're still young, so that isn't positive proof you're beginning to decay. Crepe forearms are. After my discovery, I did an appalling, thorough check of my body and realised my neck was going the same way as my arms and, after brooding about it for a couple of weeks and moisturising myself like I was a salmon, I started to notice something else. Old people/lady noises. Increasingly, as I'd sit or stand, I'd make a kind of "yearrrgggh" sound as I eased my body into position.

It was involuntary and not done because I was in pain, it was almost a subconscious message to those younger than me that I was no longer a physical threat. But they could probably tell that from the crepey skin.

 There's a book called If I'd Only Known I'd Live this Long and Aussie author David Beard makes the suggestion we should "plan to live forever because you're never too old to try new things" which means "you expect to be able to do the things you want until the end of your days".  About the only thing you're too old for at my age is going out and getting drunk until dawn - yet plenty of people seem to think that's their fountain of youth or a way to show they "haven't lost it".

 And the choices we make today can have a huge impact on the lifestyle options we'll enjoy in 10, 20 and 30 years. Personally, I want to be living in or near the mountains in the next decade and skiing and snowboarding (uh yeah, right) into my 50s and 60s. And while I can't say that I'm tickled about the effects of ageing, life does have a way of taking with one hand and giving with the other. Our bodies might get flabby but, if we're lucky, our minds evolve and sharpen - at least until we go senile and need someone to wipe our bums and cut up our food. If you've got children, you also have the joy of watching them ripen and mature and hopefully you'll also be around to see their kids.

 So, while the bloom of youth is fun while it's around, there's plenty of stuff to look forward to once you to start to wrinkle. All of which brings to mind a gag by Woody Allen known as "My Next Life" which was pretty much the plot of Brad Pitt's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

 You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

 You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, and then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, and you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby until you are born.

 And then you spend your last nine months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then voila...You finish off as an orgasm!

When did you notice you were getting old?