Tis the season to be sneezy.

 Tried all the cold remedies and still snivelling? You’re not alone! Here in Australia the sneezing season is approaching. Although, colds aren’t colds because you get them when it’s warm too. However, now is their time, and they’re out to get us all.

 Dry throat? Watery eyes? I get them too, when I see the price of so-called cold remedies. There are those who have faith in science and medicine. They’re called Pharmaceutical Corporations and they see our sniffles as money in the bank. We soldier on, pop pills and shove little nozzles up our nostrils every year to confirm what we’ve known since we learned that C is for Cat…there is no cure for the common cold. You can dry it, you can stop the headache, you can be non-drowsy, but you’ll still cough and sound as though you’re talking with a clothes peg on your nose.

 We know that a cold running its course is as inevitable as the next set of bank fees. But there’s no reason you can’t string the kids along for a few more years. You need that hope when you’re young, you need to believe that your parents are almost god-like and can look after you through every one of life’s trials. Keeping this belief in them is almost as precious as their belief in Santa. No one wants to be the one to tell a kid that guys who go around in white beards and fur-trimmed red suits in 30C heat are really struggling actors. Don’t you be the one to tell them they’re going to have colds for the rest of their lives. They have to believe you can make them better. Of course, it’ll be another betrayal they’ll blame you for in their teens but, until then, you’re Mary Poppins, Merlin the Magician and the cast of E.R rolled into one.

 Get out the mixing bowl and towel, and boil a kettle; it’s time to teach the young’ uns the joys of inhaling steaming-hot menthol and eucalyptus vapour. This is always a good one, because there’s instant relief for the kiddies – if not from the vapours, then from the moment you let them take the towel off their head and they can gasp in some cool air again.

 It should clear their nostrils enough until you get them to bed. Then out comes the vapour rub. The pong when it’s first being rubbed on a chest is like smelling salts – it’d bring around a boxer who’s just been knocked out by Mike Tyson. And you’ve got to keep telling the little tackers that it’ll help them breathe better. The tooth fairy has nothing on you – you’re the magician who cures colds, the David Copperfield of catarrh.

 Your kiddies also need to believe that you can give them something to stop their coughing. Our parents were geniuses at this, weren’t they? Anything hot and sweet to drink featuring honey, lemon or whatever was your favourite cordial. Just enough stuff to give it a weird taste so we knew it was medicine, but sweet enough to overcome our resistance to anything new. So as you hand them a cup of flavoured hot water, say in your most soothing voice: ‘This is what nanna used to give me, and it always made me feel better.’ Kids always think nanna knows even more than you do.

 Today’s cough medicines might actually be better than the ones we had. I remember my favourite-tasting medicine actually used to make me cough more, but Mum convinced me that it had to do that before I got better. And sure enough, a week or two later I would be. But what about we adults? Who’s going to mop our fevered brows and tell us it’s all going to be all right? Don’t look at me!

 I guess if you’re a one-person business you might have to soldier on, but the alarming thing about most jobs is that the company will survive for a couple of days without you. I know it sounds crazy – how could they possibly keep going without you at your desk? Trust me, they will. You can actually take something called a sick day to stay in bed and let your immune system work its magic. (This, incidentally, is what sick days are actually meant for, just in case you thought they were for Christmas shopping or hangover recovery time.)

 You’ll also do your bit for office morale. We all know how distressing it can be to see previously attractive friends show up for work looking as though they’ve spent the morning peeling onions and sandpapering their noses. It’s enough to make you feel sick too, even before they sniffle into a used tissue for the umpteenth time.

 If you don’t want to suffer at all, your best chance of avoiding a cold is to wear a surgical mask at all times. And do your best to avoid contact with all other humans. They may think you’re a bit weird, but hey, they said that about Howard Hughes. And to those of you who sneezed as you read this…bless you, everyone.