Bad sports.

 Even though summer is in full swing here in Australia, the panic to shape up for swimwear is on. And in the lead up to summer, spring turns into an end-of-year stocktake sale for the body - everything must go! Kilograms, cellulite, and any enjoyment you get from food – all gone. And while you’re slogging away, trying to sell off your unwanted stock, it’s a buyer’s delight for gym owners, who are reaping the benefits and adding extensions to their homes.
 Unfortunately, I signed up for a binding gym membership during one of those hysterical bouts of optimism when I believed I was going to compete in triathlons and enter ‘hard bodies’ competitions for the rest of my life. I’m pretty sure my grandchildren will be paying off that membership one day. But while we’re all stuck at the gym, crunching and squatting our way back to the beach, can we agree on a few basic rules of conduct? Don’t get me wrong, well done dragging your tired body through the gym doors – that’s an achievement in itself. But it’s hard enough grimacing through push-ups without having to endure certain unnecessary behaviours.

 First, let’s all wipe down the equipment after using it. Even though five litres of sweat on the rowing machine may be greeted with enthusiasm by the CSI team, it’s much less impressive to the person who gets to sit in a puddle of your perspiration. Next, 30 minutes max on the treadmill please. The ski machines, cross trainers and elliptical trainers are just space fillers; we’re all there for the treadmills. So, if a queue is forming behind you, maybe run a few blocks, instead of the entire New York City Marathon.

  Let’s have management move those stepper machines to the rear of the room too. Maybe it’s just me, but the elite athletes who use these hell machines for more than three minutes without passing out should be banished to the back, out of sight. I don’t need to see people excelling at difficult activities as I read magazines on the stationary bike.

  And now to the exercise benches: it’s not school, so putting a towel on a bench doesn’t ‘bags’ it while you walk off to stretch or check yourself out in the mirror (guys, you know who you are). Your towel isn’t a bike lock, so if you don’t take it with you, I may have to dob. When it comes to the fans, it’s simple. Leave them on! In a room with more body odour and sweat flying around than in a footballer’s shorts, ventilation is key. I know some people like to sweat half their body weight off during a workout, but I’m pretty sure exercising in a sauna is on the UN’s top-10 list of crimes against humanity.

 And, finally, the change rooms: I’m all for sisters feeling comfortable around each other, but if you look anything like Miranda Kerr, please keep your clothes on at all times. The rest of us don’t need to be reminded that we could run on a treadmill for the rest of our lives and never have your gazelle-like limbs. Be mindful that we mortals are trying to leave the gym with more self-esteem than we came in with, not less.

 Now we’re all happy with those basic rules, let’s continue torturing ourselves at the gym, without irritating each other. But then again, who am I kidding? If there was nothing annoying at the gym, we just might start enjoying it, and where’s the sport in that?