Fat of the land.

 For most of us, summer is the time of reckoning. It’s strange how you can convince yourself that you haven’t gained weight until you put on your swimming togs for the first time every summer. They’re your own little fat gauge.

 My neighbourhood seems to be full of gut-busters. Guys and girls gamely strutting along, trying to look as though they’re enjoying the walk. You just know they’d rather be at home with a pie and sauce. It’s the price we have to pay for our lazy western lifestyle. We take the car for even the shortest of journeys these days. We use remote controls, food processors, dishwashers, electric can-openers and all other manner of electrical gizmos which save us time and energy and pile on the centimetres around our stomachs, thighs, and bums.

 Let’s face it, a lot of us drive a car to the office, drive a desk all day, then drive home and slump exhausted into a chair, moaning about what a tough day we’ve had. If both you and your partner work, you may be even so tired with sitting down all day that you phone for a nice fatty pizza because you can’t be bothered cooking. Shame on you. Order a deep-pan Supreme with extra pineapple and bacon, and I’ll be over to help you with it later.

 It’s an easy trap to fall into but take heart; it’s not your fault. We can blame the Americans. First they hit us with their fried chicken and special herbs and spices. Then it was their hamburgers and ‘have a nice day’. Then all-you-can-eat family restaurants: clean, quick and cheap, and we can’t get enough of it. They cash in on our tastebuds’ love of saturated fats and our desire to order in rather than cook. To make this even more tempting, they produce lots of great television and then advertise pizza meal-deals during our favourite shows. This is the thanks we get for winning the war for them.

 So how do we keep in shape with all this temptation? Sadly, it just means willpower. The big causes of weight gain, apart from not walking anywhere near enough, are fats, sugar and alcohol. I’ve found that if you can be tough with yourself and eat fewer biscuits and chips and cut out the grog, the weight will actually go.

 Yes, it’s easier said than done. I don’t think scientists spend enough time thinking about diets. The statistics show that an alarming number of us undertake diets ever year, nearly all reverting immediately afterwards to their old habits. What we need is something to stop the cravings, like smokers have with nicotine patches.

 Why not sugar patches, grog patches, and fat patches? We’re onto something here. It may be a while before science catches up, so experiment. Next time you have a sugar craving, tape a jellybean to your back. That way, if you’re tempted to retrieve the bean and eat it, you’ll think twice. I’m not saying it will stop your craving, but it will give you something else to think about…like will it melt, will it stain and does very cherry flavour work better than the thrill of vanilla?

 Alcohol can be avoided. You simply have to stop being sociable. People can’t insist you have a drink if you’re not there. And the words ‘Drive in’ at the local bottle shop are a suggestion, not a traffic sign. Fat can be avoided. Some avoid it too much but let’s leave Calista Flockhart out of this. Fried foods are a lot easier to avoid in the hotter months. Salad is your friend, salad dressing isn’t. And Cesar Salad isn’t really a salad – it’s just a fancy way to eat bacon and fried bread.

 Of course, the other option is to let it all hang out at the beach this year. There will always be someone there who looks worse in his or her togs than you do. Trouble is, the older you get, the fewer of them there are.