There are two reactions to staff parties: love or hate...

 This is a fantastic time of year. The weather’s warming up, Christmas presents are on the way and work is winding down. There’s just one thing we need to get through before starting the new year’s clean slate: party season. There are two standard reactions to staff parties: love or hate, and there’s rarely a middle ground. The haters usually have a history that involves spiked fruit punch and an inappropriate encounter with a colleague. The lovers, on the other hand, are often young newbies who still believe they can mix business with pleasure, and that there are no repercussions whatsoever.

 So before you go to these parties, here’s some advice that should see you through unscathed. After all, it’s important to remember that staff parties aren’t actually parties – they’re just one big OH&S lawsuit waiting to happen. Before I launch into the list of precautions, there’s one rule that renders the rest unnecessary: don’t drink. It might sound extreme but, believe me; all the other rules don’t matter if you stick to this one commandment. However, if you’re too weak-willed to turn down a drink (or four), I suggest you pay attention to the following:

1. Avoid conversations with the boss:

 In fact, make sure you’re on opposite ends of the room at all times. Everything you’ve bottled up, whinged about to your friends and festered over is likely to bubble to the surface and ruin any chance of a promotion. Also steer clear of their family.

2. Don’t dance:

 Even if there’s a disco ball and Katy Perry blaring from the speakers. You may think you look like Beyoncé busting a move, but you’re at risk of being mocked in the staff room until hell freezes over, or at least until next year’s Christmas party.

3. If what’s-his-name from sales wasn’t attractive to you last week, he still isn’t:

 Never mind what your slurred speech is relaying to your friend. On the flip side, don’t stand alone in the corner, exhibiting dislike for your colleagues. They’ll just think you’re conspiring against them, and you’ll find your computer being fitted with spyware on Monday.

4. If the party is fancy dress, play it safe:

 Wearing a latex nurse’s uniform is the equivalent of signing your resignation letter.

5. Never leave the venue with a colleague of the opposite sex:

 Even if Bob from IT lives in your street and is simply giving you a ride home, you may as well announce your engagement the next day.

 I’m not foolish enough to admit these warnings were generated from any personal experiences; I’m just saying I’m an ardent observer of human behaviour. But I have to confess that I haven’t been to a staff party since an unfortunate incident years ago, which involved a mix of too much cordial and karaoke. And let’s just leave it at that hehe.....