Don’t be a wanker: an honest guide to living better.

 We’re approaching the day where after a month of rampant, random consumerism, and with the humility that only a major hangover brings, people make their New Year’s resolutions. Bad idea.
 All you end up with is nicotine withdrawal for a few days, a gym membership you have to pay $5000 to get out of, and a fridge full of rotting “super foods”. So what I propose for this year is a more modest approach to becoming a better person: rather than worrying about reaching for a whole lot of unattainable virtues, let’s all just try not being such arseholes.
 In fact, this approach is much more likely to make our community a nicer place: virtuous people are actually really annoying; we just need less arseholes. We live in a world where bad behaviour has largely been categorised. If you’re a self-centred dickhead you’ve got “narcissistic personality disorder”. And if you don’t have something wrong with your brain chemistry then maybe you’ve been abused, suffer from some horrible physical impediment, or you belong to a marginalised minority group who have been oppressed by society.
 And to a large extent, being able to understand that people’s behaviour is shaped by circumstances beyond their control has been valuable in us becoming more compassionate towards others less fortunate than ourselves. At the very least, blaming your parents for your miserable, unfulfilled life can make you feel like less of a loser.
 But what this picture of the world fails to capture is the fact that there is a small percentage of people who, regardless of their brain chemistry, their social history, or their cultural category, are just plain arseholes. As arseholes tend to have blind spots when it comes to themselves, I thought it would be helpful to draw up a list of behaviours that qualifies you as one. Feel free to post it on the office fridge.

1. People who park in disabled car spots.
2. People with 4WDs in the posh suburbs of Sydney and Melbourne who support the Greens.
3. People who sponsor a third world child and buy expensive bottled water.
4. People who play their iPods on public transport loud enough for others to hear.
5. People who talk about property prices as if it’s a reasonable topic of conversation.
6. People who complain that digital media is ruining the youth of today.
7. People who think they’re martyrs for having children.
8. People who move into the inner city from the suburbs and then complain about getting robbed.
9. Junkies who rob people who can’t afford it.
10. People who are rude to taxi drivers, waitresses, check-out chicks and all other poorly paid customer service staff.
11. People who describe filmmakers or actors as “brave”.
12. People who spend a year in a foreign country “finding” themselves and write a book about it.
13. People who don’t eat carbs.
14. People who think they’re superior for not owning a television.
15. Anyone younger, smarter, prettier, and more talented than me.

 This is of course an incomplete and partial list. I encourage you to add to it.
Don’t get caught up in the Oprah “be a better version of yourself” nonsense that’s bandied about by magazines at this time of the year. Just concentrate on not being too much of an arsehole. I’m going to. Together we can make the world a better place.